is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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