During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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