The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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