I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
