The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize