piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
