Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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