is your mom at the bar?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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