How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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