There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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