well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
