I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize