Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
