doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
