I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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