He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
