I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
