I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
