boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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