Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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