So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
