just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
