Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We had sex on a dog bed..
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
