If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
