threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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