The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
