u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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