Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
