ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
