I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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