I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
pray to the hookup gods
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
