i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
