My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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