i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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