omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
