making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
