matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
