remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
