Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
