is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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