Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
