I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
