I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize