Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
look no pants
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
