i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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