Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
