Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
