I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I supernannyed him into submission
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize