I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
