Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
