I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
