Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have post one night stand depression
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