mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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