I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
