Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
