remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
