it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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