I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
