I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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