I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
