i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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