did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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