Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
