I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
