that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize