Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
