Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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