You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
