I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
