Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize