well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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