she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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